Space in Between

Tumblr

2011-02-25T13:39:00.001+09:00

Just started Tumblr.
http://mikikoumeda.tumblr.com/archive

NO TITLE, NO.

2011-02-25T13:30:00.008+09:00

Now I live in an apartment and I play a family game with my love. My love who I call a hairy monster from time to time is a romantic man with an analytic personality. When he gets home from work, I go to the door and kiss him on the nose. We cook together. We eat together. We take a shower together. We rub our noses against each other with eyes closed like we are in prayer. It's like a ritual if you know what I mean. We hold hands and sleep. It's beautiful, isn't it? Perfect picture of a happy couple.

So I don't wanna remember anything from the past.
I wanna live in this moment.

Because I Just Can't

2011-02-25T13:26:00.002+09:00

Do you still remember me?
Do you still read this blog?
Do you still check it at least?
Or have you stopped because I never post anything new?

I still remember you.
I still read your blog.
I still check it always.
I think I'll never stop because I just can't.

These Street

2010-10-02T23:20:00.002+09:00

Crappy video but the music is still beautiful.

I patiently waited for something to replace my dark

I got out of my bed cos I couldn't sleep

I took my car

It's beautiful moonlit road tonight

I've got no one here by my side

I used to walk under these lights with you

And even if you left a long time ago

I miss you so

And even if you left a long time ago

I miss you so

And it's hard to tell if you ever come again

And it's hard to tell if you felt this with someone else

I've always known

I was never your muse

Never looked at me the way I look at you

And you always say that you love me more

But you never show it to me before

I'll always know I was never your muse.

Recently

2010-09-17T14:16:00.007+09:00

I've been pretty busy for the last few weeks with going back to Fukuoka, catching up with my friends, coming back to Tokyo, moving into the new place in Saitama (a prefecture adjoining Tokyo), and settling down.

It's been fast. Time flew. And my head is not really comprehending the weight put on my shoulders. The weight called life-determining decisions. School? Marriage? Job?

It's crazy, but I also got the feeling that life's getting more and more exciting with limitations imposed...!

Verano Porteño

2010-08-31T10:12:00.003+09:00

I have nothing to say

Or I just have so many things to say

That I keep my silence of self-defence

Against the possible consequence triggered by the inconsistency of my sanity

The utterance of such thoughts would strip my fragile shield away

We don't have the luxury of asking for others' sympathy or approval

Believe yourself

But believing myself is never enough for me

Never Know

2010-08-28T07:52:00.003+09:00

You never know what awaits you in life.

Unreasonably reasoned.

Unexceptionally exceptional.

Unexpectedly expecting.

Life life life...yeah, it's full of weird contradictions and crazy surprises.

The best part of it is that the lamest things can actually happen to YOU.

Falling in love with a prof of your college? Haha.

Yeah, that's crazy. But love is always sweet.

Never know, never know :)

You

2010-08-26T11:46:00.003+09:00

You make me shy.

You make me high.

New Path

2010-08-25T21:44:00.004+09:00

The graduation is over. Now I've come to a point where I need to decide which way to go after one year of miraculously meaningful meetings and learning.

Last night, I had a dinner date at an Israeli restaurant with this history teacher called Ms. Turoff. Herself is like a legend in a long history of human beings...she's more than 70 years old, but still full of energy, passion, and compassion, all of which are proven to be the quality of those who are respected, trusted, and loved by people just by the way students and other faculties look up to her. It came with such a surprise and shame when we learned that she was retiring from her job at our school, where she has shared her trillion dollar wisdom with a number of students for over 20 years, and sailing onto a journey to rediscover her origin of identity; she's traveling to Israel.

"Shalom. It means peace." She smiles beautifully. Always.

"There are two paths in front of you. One is less taken...you know that poem? But it seems like the paths before you are both less taken!" Sigh. I know, right? "But if you are thinking over the same things over and over in your college search, then you are not learning anything new. It's telling you that it's the time to make a decision." Right. I know, I know. In the last few days, I had been looking up schools and swearing how much this thing called education in the States cost. Rip-off!!!

Deciding a major doesn't mean deciding what I'm going to do in the rest of my life. No. Decisions in life; that's just the way to operate. But still, it's such a big decision to make.

It's heavy. It's confusing. And I'm slightly excited, but mainly afraid.

Faith in Deletion

2010-05-19T19:58:00.010+09:00

Deleting the photos of my ex-boyfriend from Facebook and mixi hurt.

I don't know how many times I'd explained the boyfriend that my ex was just like part of me, like my family. But no, he didn't get it. He kept saying something was wrong with me...like, I don't know why people laugh, get angry, and cry.

I understand how he feels but really, keeping the photos was something I could not give up on since they meant a LOT to me. Why the hell do I have to delete photos of such importance? Is deleting the photos really the way of showing my faith to my boyfriend? I don't think so.

But I did it. Not all of the photos but some "major" ones. And do you think it satisfied him? I don't think so. He still has some doubts in him, looking at me with the eyes of "you still think of him anyway."

How can I believe someone who doesn't believe me?

The Red Queen Hypothesis

2010-05-10T19:56:00.004+09:00

The Red Queen Hypothesis:

as one species changes so does the other.

(after Lewis Carroll's book "Through the Looking Glass")

In the book, the Queen of Hearts tells Alice, "It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place."

Set no limit. Keep evolving.

Let Me Tell You

2010-05-07T22:51:00.004+09:00

Weeeell...it's been a long time since the last post! And in the meantime, a lot of changes (almost all are positive and even surprising!) have occurred to me. One of them is, yes, my new boyfriend. How we met and how our relationship started would take like an hour to be fully explained, so let me tell you a very important lesson, which I've been retaught over and over throughout my life, with only three words to sum up my thoughts without any positive or negative judgement for now...; "relationship is hard."

LOL

mikiko

Tell Me How To Live

2010-03-06T19:23:00.007+09:00

This is what my friend wrote on mixi.

最近､希死念慮が強い｡
Nowadays, I often think of killing myself.

よくなるためにお薬をもらっているのに､どんどん悪くなっている｡
I've been taking medications, but it's getting worse and worse.

この病気で亡くなる人は多い｡
Many people die from this disease.
むろん､自殺にて｡
Of course, by suicide.

誰かが言っていた｡
I remember somebody said,
癌で亡くなるのと同じだ､仕方のないことだ､と｡
"It's like cancer, you can't help it."

わたしもそう思う｡
I think so, too.
仕方ないんだと思う｡
I think it cannot be helped.

癌で死んでしまうのといっしょ｡
This is like dying of cancer.
この病気で自殺するのは仕方がないこと｡
It's only natural that the patients kill themselves.

反論は多いと思うが､
Many would say no,
結局､
but whatever they say,
なってみないと分からない
they'll never know what it is like

癌の辛さも脳梗塞の辛さも肺炎の辛さも心筋梗塞の辛さも...
the pain of cancer,
the pain of cerebral infraction,
the pain of pneumonia,
the pain of cardiac infraction...

でも､
But
心の中のことはもっと分からない
to know things inside people's minds is much worse
目に見えないから｡
because it is invisible.

面倒くさいなぁと思う｡
It's so bothersome.
いちいち説明するのが｡
It's bothersome that I have to put everything into words.

喋るのがしんどいのに
It's hard for me to talk
｢どうしたの？｣
but they ask me, "What's wrong?"
と聞かれても､説明できない
How can I explain what is wrong about me?

｢気持ち､分かるよ｣
"I understand how you feel."
と言われても
When people say that,
｢分かってたまるか｣
I only think,
と思う｡
"No, don't even think like you can."

なんで人間は
Why did humans
言葉という面倒な手段をとるようになってしまったのか
choose this means of communication using words?

わたしの心の中のこと
I wonder how much easier and better it would be
全部見えてみんなが全部分かってくれたら､どんなに楽だろう
if every invisible things became visible so that you all came to understand me?

｢お薬飲んでね｣
"Be sure to take your medicine, dear."
｢ご飯食べてね｣
"You've got to eat well, honey."

分かってる!
I KNOW!
でも､じゃあどうしたらお薬が飲めるのか､ご飯が食べられるのか教えて!
But, then, tell me how to take medicine, tell me how to eat!

｢ゆっくりしてね｣
"Take your time and just relax."
｢今は休んでね｣
"Take a good rest."

休み方を教えて!
Tell me how to rest!
死が付きまとってくるわたしに
Please...tell me how to do all those things
どうか休み方を教えて...
tell me, who has been haunted by death...

Somehow I have a few friends who have a depression. This is a serious disease, I know, they can't do anything by themselves. All they are capable is to think about ending their lives.

When I read this note written by one of my friends (we've known each other since elementary school), I simply didn't know what to say to her. And I still don't know what to tell her.

Beneath It

2010-03-06T12:22:00.004+09:00

Once I get blind

You've got to tell me how you look inside

Don't hesitate

I present myself to you
Completely naked
Without a stitch of clothes on

Tell me not who you were but who you are
Tell me how you look inside...

Bang Bang Bang

2010-03-06T09:09:00.006+09:00

Not many people are afraid of jumping off from a high place.

What many of us are really afraid of is the landing.

Then keep flying. Find a place where you can take a little rest so that you can go farther.

And landing...it hurts, but the more you fall and "bang!" the more you get used to it.

"Life is beautiful. Like you. You are wonderful."

2010-03-03T20:43:00.005+09:00

I'd been going through the past Facebook messages between me and my ex-boyfriend. And I was horrified how pathetically selfish I used to be (well, still is, but now a little better I believe).

Needless to say the messages made me feel bittersweet...Awww in those messages, how happy I sound! And his few replies...haha. But they were all sweet.

And most importantly, very very importantly, I realized how beautiful people are. How beautiful human minds are. It was a pure cure for my heart full of withered doubts and sticky self-pity.

Abhi, I don't know if anyone could feel as lucky and happy as I did.

I really want to say "thank you" to you now...:(

Only a Goodbye

2010-02-28T12:12:00.004+09:00

写真で見たの
I saw it in pictures
たくさん
in many pictures

私がアメリカを離れてから
The Serbian girl you've fallen in love with
あたなが恋に落ちたセルビアの女の子は
after I left you and the States
深い海のような蒼い目の色をしていて
has blue eyes like the deep ocean
お酒と煙草がとてもよく似合う
has a style that suits cigarettes and alcohols perfectly

私の目は小さなアジア人の目
Look, my eyes are tiny Asians' eyes
あなたが｢小さすぎて見えない！｣ってからかってた目
Ones that you used to mock saying "I can't even see them!"
私背も低くてなんだか子どもみたいでしょう
I'm short like a little child, you know
煙草も吸わないしWildでもSexyでもない
I don't smoke, I'm not wild, and I'm not sexy either

だけどあなたが大切で幸せで
But you were the man of my life who made me happy
誰よりも分かっていたから
I thought I knew you more than anyone else

そんな比較は意味のないこと
So...there's no point in such comparison

なのにどうして
Then why, if I knew it, then why,
さよならを言うときに
Couldn't I say "Thank you"
ありがとうが言えなかったの
When I said "Goodbye"?

あなたと同じ名前を持つ人が
I wonder how many people have existed
これまでこの世界に
in this big world of a long history
どれだけ存在しただろう
who had exactly the same name as yours

きっとたくさん
I answer, "Should be many."

私とは違う
People who had different from mine
でもあなたと同じ
but the skin of the same color
肌の色を持った人
as yours

おなじ髪のいろ
hair of the same color
おなじ目のいろ
eyes of the same color
おなじ背のたかさ
the same height
おなじ声のひくさ
the same tone of voice

そんな人がこれまでこの世界に
How many people like that
どれだけ存在しただろう
have existed in this world?

きっとたくさん
I answer, "Should be many."

でも私の心はあなたに出会って
But my soul and heart met you
間違えることなくあなたを選んだ
and chose you without any doubt or mistake

全身全霊の確信を持って
with all my heart
あなたを愛した
I loved you dearly

他の誰でもないあなたを
No one else but you

生まれてきて今まで一体どこにいたの
"Where have you been for 21 years?"
"What have you been doing without me?"

そう私が言って
I asked you so once

君は僕の人生を変えたんだって
"You have definitely changed my life."

あなたが言う
You told me that once

だからこの毎日は
So these days have been like

月も星もない夜空のよう
night sky without stars and moon
夢のない眠りのよう
sleep without dreams
虹の出ない雨上がりの空のよう
sky after rain without rainbows

長い一日の次の日は雨
The day after a long day, it was raining
彼の幸せを喜べない私と
Me who cannot celebrate your happiness
ソイラテのにおい
and a cold soy late

電話と涙と帽子とさよなら
A cellphone and tears and my hat and a goodbye
ちゃんと言えなかったありがとうは
The "Thank you" that I missed to say
もう２度と言えない
should never come out

今さらなんて
Because it's just...
格好悪いだけだもの
not cool

だから今はさよならだけ
So only a "Goodbye" for now
これが今の私の精一杯
I cannot do better than that now

Thank You

2010-02-27T23:07:00.006+09:00

Why couldn't I say "Thank you" to who loved me more than anyone?

This elusive feeling is the obstacle I could not overcome.

I put myself over someone who I loved with all my might...

It was none of my plan I had before talking to him on the phone.

Believe me, all I wanted to say was a proper "thank you" and "goodbye."

Declare Independence

2010-02-27T13:36:00.001+09:00

I'm not like the girls from the Balkans.

I don't smoke, I don't party, I don't drink (any more).

I don't have the same exotic eyes like they do.

I don't have the same brand of humor as they do.

I'm not wild, I'm not sexy, I'm not sociable.

I can't help wondering if i were like the girl he's fallen in love with, would i have to sit at a table at Starbucks at 7 am, wiping tears on my cheeks with one hand, holding an almost dead phone in the other, on February 26, 2010.

Believe me, there used to be one guy with long eye lashes, who could catch every tear drop poured from my tiny Asian eyes. Anything was consolable under his magic phrase "it's gonna be OK." Now I don't hear any of it.

It's time to jump out of a window of the castle and slay dragons yourself, princess. You've got to get a hold of your life, your time, and your happiness.

Simple and Clear

2010-02-21T16:37:00.005+09:00

Time has passed without any notice.

And I haven't pulled myself up yet.

It's simple and clear: I wasn't good enough for him.

He has to tell me what was wrong about me.

Otherwise I can't move on like forever.

I beg you

please, please please please tell me

what was wrong about me

Someday

2010-02-20T18:25:00.005+09:00

I wonder when I can clear this curse I put on myself last year.

A year ago, around this time, I made the BIGGEST mistake I could ever commit.

Someday it has to be righted by my own will, but now it just aches...this shit really aches.

Personal Attack

2010-02-18T08:59:00.005+09:00

A lie completes itself when people believe in it...

Some people are eager to hurt others, which is quite bad enough, but the most troublesome case is that certain deeds with no ill-will can hurt you badly, too.

Plus, I need to take my remarks back. It snowed today. Pretty but I don't feel like appreciating it today.

Spring Comes w/ Sakura Steamer

2010-02-17T20:39:00.005+09:00

I need to sleep to function well.

Waking up at 5:30 am and going to bed around 12 am...this routine is killing me. Always chased by assignments, and this is getting a bit too ridiculous. Just a week ago I was full of energy. But it's like the law of energy, remember? It's always decreasing:(

Spring is coming though. Starbucks has introduced one of their seasonal offerings: Sakura steamer! I tried it this morning (a las 7 de la manana), and...hum...I'm not a very big fan of sweet drinks:P

It was fun though:)

Valentine's Day

2010-02-15T21:44:00.006+09:00

I used to think I wasn't fine enough

I used to think I wasn't funny enough

I used to think I wasn't wild enough

I used to think I wasn't sexy enough

To hold you in my arms

I wanted to say it out loud
because I wanted to hear you say "Don't be silly."

Now I'm the one who decides
Now I'm the one who says the line

Oh, and this line too...

Happy Valentine's Day & Anniversary! :)

Love,
Mikiko

Bit Too Much

2010-02-11T22:37:00.004+09:00

I don't know where to shut a mouth when I face things that I strongly feel about.

Hmmm...it seems like I've hurt someone terribly because of my stupid tongue (or more of my typing), and what's more, it made one of my friends my new enemy.

First it troubled my mind, but soon I realized I didn't really care about it much. The thing is, when this kind of thing happens, which means you make yourself misunderstood (or it could be who you really are), what you do after that totally depends on how much you care about those who misunderstand you.

Luckily, those "friends" who I guess I made upset were not as important as some other friends for me. It's like you don't really care how strangers would look at you and think of you when you walk on a street.

I tend to speak in a harsh way to those I don't really like; I just feel like destroying them with words. And I know it's a devilish habit to have. Well, I can try to change it, but normally I'm totally peaceful and friendly.

Sigh, I don't know how to sum this up, so I just hold my tongue now.

Keeps Gettin' Better (and Better)

2010-02-10T19:59:00.007+09:00

I've been busy, but everything is under control; it's an awesome feeling.

I wake up at 5:30 am, arrive at school at 8, study, attend class, do assignments, chat and laugh like shit with friends, talk to professors and hear them say I'm an excellent student, and then go home at around 9 pm. Dreams have to start before 12, otherwise devils will stay on my shoulders and they will kill me next day.

New discoveries and new people to get to know everyday. US History has been as fascinating as the last semester, Spanish is just fun and awesome (I'm good at picking up a new language, I believe), it goes without saying Art History is the kind of class that suits me perfectly, and Life Science is now the wonderful source of inspiration for my creativity.

I'm incredibly young, too young to give up on my dreams and happiness. Sorry, but you can't bring me down.

I love myself.

My life, "I" have to live it :)

Binge Binge Binge

2010-02-07T19:35:00.005+09:00

The word "binge" never carries a positive feeling, and whenever I think about binge drinking, I suddenly feel old. I admit I love drinking, especially hard liquor, and I also consume quite a lot of alcohol at a time. But nowadays drinking like American college kids just seems not cool and even immature. To me, it looks like they believe drinking up a can of beer in 5 seconds deserves admiration from others or something. That's funny and silly, and very young.

It's simply not my way of drinking anymore. I'm an organic food freak and health conscious, but this is not only the concern about my health that makes me stay away from crazy drinking. I just had enough of it. Not sick of it, but enough of it. And I know this fact never makes me someone not cool, not funny, or unsociable. Now I want someone who can teach me how to drink in an elegant way. Wine? Hum...nice! Can anybody recommend a brand?

! I never fail to keep a bottle of vodka on my sacred alter (alcohol shelf) though!

Memento Mori

2010-02-06T11:32:00.003+09:00

Nunc est bibendum, nunc pede libero pulsanda tellus.
Quintus Horatius Flaccus

We drink tonight because we die tomorrow.

It's Time to Be a Big Girl Now

2010-02-06T10:19:00.003+09:00

Big Girls Don't Cry :)

In a Relationship

2010-02-05T21:08:00.002+09:00

I didn't want to hear about it from anybody but you.

So break my heart. Right now.

My Sweetheart

2010-02-03T22:04:00.004+09:00

The math and biology genius.

Extremely shy but funny.

He's the one who has coined

this greatest phrase the world has ever heard;

"Your DNA is sweet."

IRM

2010-02-02T21:48:00.001+09:00

IRM by Charlotte Gainsbourg × Beck

Just in case nobody's interested...

Simply put, fabulous:)

The Big Rocks of Life

2010-02-01T17:57:00.003+09:00

One day a wise teacher was speaking to a group of his students. He pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar.

When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?"

Everyone in the class said, "Yes."

"Really?" he asked. "Let's see." He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar, causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. Looking carefully from face to face, he smiled
benevolently and asked again, "Is the jar full?"

His class was catching on quickly. "Probably not," one of them answered.

"Very good!" he replied. He then reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. When he was finished he once again asked, "Is this jar full?"

"No!" the class shouted.

"Excellent!" he replied. Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and poured it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Once again looking intently into the eyes of each student, he asked, "What is the point of this illustration?"

One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!"

"Aha, that's very good!" the teacher replied, "But let us look a bit deeper. This illustration also teaches us a higher truth: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you will never get them in at all."
What are the "Big Rocks" in your life? Financial freedom? A project that YOU want to accomplish? Time with your loved ones? Your faith, your education, your business? A cause? Teaching or mentoring others?

Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all.

You Can't Shut Genius Poeple Up

2010-01-31T12:22:00.004+09:00

Tavi, a 13-year-old fashion lover from Chicago, USA.

Every mode designer knows her and her blog now. Wow.

Cutting the Gordian Knot

2010-01-30T17:00:00.002+09:00

In 344 B.C., Alexander the Great launched an expedition to the east, and on his way, he dropped by the city of Phrygia. Gordius, the king of Phrygia, was a wide man, and gave Alexander a difficult problem which no one had been able to solve. There was a cart which was tied to one of the palace’s pillars with a piece of rope, and a legend promised if Alexander could undo it, all parts of Asia would be under his control. Nobody could have gotten the knot untied before since it was too intricate, but to everybody’s surprise, Alexander drew his sword and cut the knot with it. After that, as the legend promised him, he went on his expedition and conquered Asia.

Generally, this story is interpreted as it is; you can solve a difficult problem by bold, determined action, and this is the origin of an English expression: cut the Gordian knot. However, the mother of Erich Kastner, a German writer, had a different point of view. In one of Kastner’s essays, he wrote his mother used to say ropes were not to cut, but to use, and if there was a knot on it, you had to work on undoing it with patience. In these words, Kastner found another lesson of the Gordian knot. It might be much quicker and easier to settle a problematic situation if you use your power or even violence. Nevertheless, it is just a contemporary solution, and it does not get rid of the prime cause of the problem.

The daring exploits of Alexander the Great have been told for hundreds of years, but only ten years after he cut the Gordian knot in Phrygia, he passed away, and the kingdom he built up in his bold, determined way simply fell into decline. Destruction cannot be a solution to any problem or conflict. If you cut a knot, what will become of the knot? It still remains, and what’s more, ropes which are cut up can never be connected without another knot. Violence and wars. Revenge and hatred. Come to think of it, many of the problems we have now might have come from Gordian knots we could not, or rather, did not undo.

Your DNA is Sweet

2010-01-28T07:14:00.010+09:00

For I've been placed in a perfect post for a "lamp-post" since the very beginning of this year, school isn't as fun as it used to be. While the profound question about what real "friends" are fills up my brain, soaking deep down to my cell membranes, I climb stairs up to the 6th floor just to see my BIO professor and say "buenas noches!"

He says, "your DNA is sweet." Oh, now I have to take my remark back; school is fun, or even better :):):)

Lost Cause

2010-01-25T20:55:00.005+09:00

"Lost Cause"

I had known

what the word meant

long before you told me so

I'd have fought for the "lost cause" though...

Chill in Mind

2010-01-23T11:58:00.004+09:00

I'm recovering but it feels colder than it should.

How are you doing today?

Treasure

2010-01-22T19:53:00.002+09:00

He said,

"I feel like I have dropped my treasure and put a small scar on it."

New Earrings

2010-01-20T23:01:00.001+09:00

Cute, aren't they? ;)

Hoppípolla

2010-01-17T21:56:00.015+09:00

Hoppipolla means jumping in puddles in Icelandic.

*this is not the music video but this was the only embed-able version of Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros.

Everything turned out to be a laughing matter when I realized (like this afternoon...haha) that I'm different from who I was 6 months ago, or specifically, around the day my ex-boyfriend, with his sad smile on his face, said "happy birthday" to me in the dirty little kitchen lightened by late-afternoon summer sun beams. That night, he told me that we should break up.

I, or I should say we, have been like kids in grown-up bodies. Two little kids acting in a love story with serious faces, sometimes hiding and sometimes pouring out their emotions. It's so funny and...more than that, quite adorable, isn't it? Still I say I "love" him with my girlish side on, but I think it's about time to stop acting on this stage and leave this exclusive showcase (well, he's been off the stage since a long time ago, I suppose). The real world is just out there, in which things are hopelessly out of hand and beautifully messed up.

This is not about moving on to the next step; I just realized we can't stop changing. It's both good and bad. We'll never know or we already know which one the change could be, but in any case, the fact that nothing stays as it has been can destroy you, or more importantly, save you. So why don't we just laugh exaggerated worries out till they get swept away from our mind? We are just as we are now, and there's no point in sticking to what we "used to" be.

And here is a personal note for you;

by the time I get to see you again, you are someone different from who I used to know, who I used to love, and who I still love. But do you know what I'm going to say? I'll ask your name and say, "it's nice to meet you." So think about your lines that follow it, OK? Then we'll start our new story all over again (doesn't need to be a love story on the same old stage, of course).

No matter how much you change, you are always my love with his sweetest smile on the face, jumping in puddles in my memory.

And lastly, as you already know, I love you.

Si Sic Omnia...

2010-01-17T10:54:00.005+09:00

Si sic omnia [sai sik amnia]...it's a fanny sounding phrase meaning "if all had been thus."

Dangerous phrase. We can't keep thinking like that.

Too many "if-s" do your life no good.

Incomplete

2010-01-16T21:36:00.006+09:00

I'm not a patient kind, so I can't concentrate on one thing for long. Almost all of my doodles are incomplete. But maybe it's complete. Completeness is "in" "complete" forms...haha. I finished this one by the way! Before drawing on the photo-copied Bjork, I promised myself. "I'M GONNA FINISH THIS WORK!" ...and I did. Power of will! :)

Meaning of Being Mean

2010-01-12T22:58:00.004+09:00

The purpose of behaving mean is to show that you are upset. I don't wanna be mean. Plus, I don't wanna whine. I don't wanna upset someone by saying mean things and whining about things. It's because I'm afraid of him walking away from me.

I know this idea is both good and unhealthy.

Twitch

2010-01-12T11:42:00.005+09:00

I'm an emotional person, and it's not always positive. Despite so many mistakes made till today, my temper still gets me so easily and my behavior goes extreme. My wish upon a star is "I want to stay clam always and live peacefully," but it seems like almost impossible. Yet...it's getting better, I believe. The-"Pushing Daisies"-watching yesterday must be working perfectly. Love the TV show:):)

No photo-editing btw.

Monoch-Rome Series

2010-01-11T09:39:00.003+09:00

the present moment carved into the past

Spectrum

2010-01-09T22:45:00.003+09:00

20/20 hindsight.

Just turn your head around.

there sits your shadow,

with eyes ghostly hollow.

It's stuck to your feet and never leaves you alone.

What would you do with it?

Happy New Year<3

2010-01-06T18:12:00.007+09:00

Wooooooow! It's been a while since the last update. Having a mixi account and knowing nobody would give a shit to my life have been greatly encouraging me to stay away from this blog. Anyway I wish a happy new year to whoever got a fortune to read this post. Lucky you!...for no reason. Well! Maybe you really are because you can see what the new year's day is like in Japan. Full of Japanese sense of beauty! Yeahhhhh:):)

My Behalf

2009-12-20T23:26:00.003+09:00

Forget about bad dreams,

they are all in the past.

Chin up, look ahead, and relax...

I know you are beside me,

you are my behalf.

Love

2009-12-06T12:39:00.004+09:00

"It's either the flu or love...the symptoms are the same..."

Snoopy

Hug Me

2009-12-05T23:24:00.003+09:00

When I'm tired, all I think about is your big warm hug.

DONE

2009-12-04T22:03:00.003+09:00

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiinally! It's over! The fall semester is over:) Even though this semester was not tough at all, this feeling of being free from all the schoolwork is great! I'm a little tired because the last exam I had today took 5 hours to finish up...seriously. It's US HIS class, and the exam was full of short answer questions and in-class essays. For some it was shorter, for some longer. Anyway it's done! Yay! Well, tomorrow is the commencement day of the college and I'm going to sing for the after party...so guess I should go to bed soon:) Sweet dream please!

Stargazer

2009-12-02T23:03:00.004+09:00

Stars never fade away

Dreams never go away

It's always you who run away

Simplify

2009-12-01T22:06:00.009+09:00

We can make things simple.

Yes, we can.

Why don't we just laugh and drink?

If your smile makes my day,

and if both of us happy,

then let's keep it that way.

Keep smiling at me,

don't ever stop it,

you are my sunshine,

don't ever belong to anybody.

One Inuk Kiss for U

2009-11-28T23:36:00.004+09:00

Only for you, before you fall into the wonderland of dove chocolate:)

Good night world, good night buddy.

Patrick Henry

2009-11-28T08:06:00.001+09:00

Yeah me too.

Phantom of the Autumn

2009-11-24T18:15:00.001+09:00

ME!!:)

For You...

2009-11-22T08:51:00.003+09:00

When your mind's made up

There's no point trying to change it

There's no point trying to stop it

There's no point trying to fight it

There's no point even talking

But if you ever want something

You call, call,

Then I'll come running...

So CALL ME!!! lol

I'm a Dog

2009-11-21T15:51:00.000+09:00

and it's smelling like Christmas everywhere!

Colours

2009-11-21T00:20:00.006+09:00

It's getting colder and colder, and the pretty colours of autumn are hastily fading away...So! Here are some of the pictures I took last weekend:) It gets really cold in Tokyo in winters (it's around 10 degrees Celsius now), but no, not like Wisconsin...lol

JoJo's Bizarre Adventure

2009-11-18T21:09:00.004+09:00

If you've never read the JoJo series...

you are missing out the monument in Japanese manga world.

Flavour

2009-11-17T17:52:00.001+09:00

When in Rome, do as the Romans do...

BUT

don't lose your "flavour."

Remind Me

2009-11-16T08:25:00.009+09:00

I loved the little walk yesterday...it's autumn.

But everything reminds me of you,

and I don't know how to feel about it.

This is definitely the feeling of missing.

It's autumn, the season I loved the most last year.

I can see the back of you, walking before me.

Full of sun light, it was autumn.

Everything reminds me of you,

definitely the feeling of missing,

and I don't know how to feel about it,

how to face it.

Hyacinth Hair

2009-11-14T09:16:00.006+09:00

the beauty of fair Greece

the grandeur of old Rome

The life of E. A. Poe is interesting to read about,

not to actually put myself into...

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

Looked like he had none.

And I don't know about myself.

Son of Aphrodite

2009-11-13T21:15:00.005+09:00

For my lovely girlfriend I shall be Cupid with tiny arrows...which have been pricking my own heart from time to time. Ouch ouch...Even Eros falls in love.

Baka

2009-11-08T22:05:00.002+09:00

You say "keep in touch" but I can't do that alone.

I need YOU to do so!

Bakayaro!

ARTS DAY 2009

2009-11-07T00:01:00.014+09:00

I had been, for SO long, wondering if it was a right choice to go to my current college in Tokyo. And today, I learned it was. Absolutely. The bright smiles of the performers and audience at LCJ ARTS DAY 2009 (our biggest school event) slapped my face really hard.

It's not about where you are, but it's about what you do.

I have great friends and teachers.

I had great teammates to make this event what it turned out to be.

And this makes me proud of myself.

Yes, I'm not so smart, not so wise.

Not attractive either.

But I've been extremely lucky.

My life is full of joy and thankfulness.

I love my friends and profs at LCJ!!!!!

Oh, and the poster in the first image is my work:)

Snoopy

2009-11-04T20:20:00.003+09:00

I want Snoopy. I mean beagle. Not bagel.

Life's been confusing.

I need a buddy.

If no guy wants to offer his shoulder to me to cry on,

then I can do that on the back of a beagle instead.

Of course with its puffy paws.

Santa, you hear me?

I said, B-E-A-G-L-E:)

Burn to Ashes

2009-10-27T21:59:00.004+09:00

I'm VERY upset. It's not just because of the exam coming up on Thursday.

I should burn my mid grade report to ashes and say, "so! Where are my REAL grades?"

I couldn't believe my own fucking eyes.

Term GPA: 2.1666

OK, this is not my real grade. They included Macroeconomic from which I withdrew.

But still, I got BC (2.5) for Drawing.

TWO. POINT. FIVE.....!!!!!!!!!!!

The idea of throwing myself out of the window of 3C just passed my mind.

This is insulting. I'm going to talk to my prof on Friday.

I don't care if it's Halloween or not.

I don't care about my MJ-look when I talk to her.

This is IMPOSSIBLE.

August Rush

2009-10-25T19:26:00.001+09:00

The movie was just OK, but the music was interesting!

Shame

2009-10-22T22:17:00.004+09:00

So what am I waiting for?

What do I want from other people?

Sympathy? Admiration?

Why am I still doing this like a little child?

Now my family is back to one.

Now I can (still not looking at his face but) talk to my brother.

And yes, my parents have enough money

to raise their four kids and pay for their education.

Shame on me.

Stay away from this shitty idea.

Work on the US assignments.

Oasis

2009-10-20T18:42:00.007+09:00

No, this post is not about the British band with two kid-like brothers always fighting over every possible matter that happen in the world (well, not anymore!).

This is what I should see at the end of a very tiring day with a US History exam. About the test, I'm pretty much screwed. But that's fiiine fine fine.

Now these Brandons are on my Dell screen whenever I open it. Isn't it fabulous?;);) Oh, you say it's "fan-freaking-tastic"? We should be friends. It's Wonderfully so.

What Should I Say?

2009-10-18T12:58:00.002+09:00

Better to say too much? Hmmm I have to disagree with that, I always say more than I should, things that I don't really need to say and how much I regret after that? Oh...really badly. But the song is awesome-some-sama-some-sama-da.

Abhi! Gossip!! lol

2009-10-15T19:32:00.009+09:00

The more you smile, the happier I feel.

So finally here comes my "sunshine"

after the rain of tears...!?

I'll never know.

I know I'd better NOT want to know.

But!

The wonderful truth is that you are one of the reasons why I've been able to breathe properly in the tiring days and depressing nights. I just have to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for making my day!

Dig

2009-10-07T20:11:00.002+09:00

Replay × 100

Was Columbus a Hero or a Villain?

2009-10-04T11:53:00.007+09:00

Hello Columbus! Again!

I think I'm becoming an expert of Christopher Columbus after writing 2 or 3 essays on him in the last 2 weeks. The US History class is the kingdom of the witch-like teacher Barbie.

Barbie is very nice. She says she's 8000 years old, and I can even believe that, but anyway she's the highly energetic goddess of history at LCJ. I love watching and listening her shout "History is LIFE!!!" at least 10 times per class (with her saliva making it to my desk in the first row).

So she's passionate enough to give us one exam in the class time and 3 take-home essays (for each one, "more than 5 paragraphs would be sufficient"). Very GENEROUS you goddess.

So I say hello to you again, Columbus. Were you a hero or a villain? This is one of the topics of the essays, and I say Neither. History has to be examined only with an objective point of view, that's what I believe. But it's crazy that still today, we witness another versions of the New World everyday.

My weekend has been about the exploration. Pretty much that's it.

Far Far by Yael Naim

2009-09-28T10:10:00.002+09:00

How can you stay outside...

There's a beautiful mess inside

Margarita y Azucena

2009-09-27T08:25:00.003+09:00

Sigh, I sometimes wonderfully amazes me. Another stupid mistake of mine.

I found that my ex (Mr. M) had ditched me on facebook yesterday morning. GREAT! So he's already found someone new! Little stars twinkling around my head like those you see in Japanese cartoons. I was again back to the state of "hoshin" (jp: characters meaning throwing away the heart) and my sister had to constantly remind me to breathe by saying "hey! breathe! breathe!" like every 10 mins that morning. I decided not to do any schoolwork that day because there was no hope for me focusing on anything like preparing for the US History exam.

I sent 3 messages, 2 voice mails, and maybe like...10 missed calls on his cell. Goddamn time difference! Too bad, yesterday was Friday night in the US and Fridays are party nights for college kids. Mr. M happens to fall into the category of "party animals" (this is no praise, guys), so no chance for he picking up the phone.

Another hundreds of Kleenex consumed.

Anyway, finally I got him on the phone this morning, and it turned out that it was ME. I BLOCKED HIM on facebook. When!? Don't remember at all.

Enough for the stupid story.

Mariana Baraj is the goddess on earth.
Argentine music always gives me chills.

The Iliad

2009-09-26T15:03:00.002+09:00

We must prepare to answer for the results of our own actions and realize that when we act wrongly we will cause suffering both for ourselves and, perhaps more important, for those we love.

Truely Civilized Human Thoughts

2009-09-25T12:00:00.003+09:00

Keeping diary never lasts more than 3 days for me. It's just glaringly outside of my ability. Well, I guess the same thing can be said for this blog.

My new life in Tokyo consists of; working on tons of tedious homework (the liberal arts college system is a real killer), watching Japanese TV shows, checking facebook every 5 minutes, cooking and cleaning and shopping and...more but not worth listing.

There used to be one more thing on the list until very very recently.

***Ta-dahhhh!***

CRYING and NOT BREATHING!

Life clearly showed me how stupid I was (and still am) and how badly things can get out of hand sometimes. I learned what real "regret" means in kind of a harsh way. Nah, that's the way life goes, and it is the only way to actually learn something important in life. It took a long time and hundreds of Kleenex to "understand" it fully though.

This guy who is taking the same classes with me is a bit strange in an interesting way. He's a person who doesn't know where to keep a mouth shut. Very different from me. It's like the difference between art in the Ancient Egypt and the Bronze Age Greece. A bit of geeky talk, I had a humanities exam yesterday and had to compare and contrast art in the two civilizations. F-a-s-c-i-n-a-t-i-n-g!

Anyway, we talk about literature and philosophy kind of things. Yesterday was the first time we had a chat online, and he told me something like, "you are always serious, and you are waisting something in you because of it."

Hmmm, interesting...I think he's right, but I don't know exactly where the statement can be applied yet. And now I'm getting hungry, so I'm gonna grab something to satisfy this hunger temporarily.

Hit the Lights

2009-09-18T22:32:00.002+09:00

Going to Aomori tomorrow.

Family Trip for 4 days:)

I Need Some Sleep

2009-09-16T09:36:00.004+09:00

I need some sleep
You can't go on like this
I tried countin' sheep
But there's one I always miss
Everyone says, I'm gettin' down too low
Everyone says, you've just got to let it go

I need some sleep
Time to put the old horse down
I'm in too deep

And the wheels keep spinnin' round
Everyone says, I'm getting down too low
Everyone says, you've just got to let it go

You've just got to let it go
You've just got to let it go
You've just got to let it go

I Need Some Sleep/Eels

Yeah, I know I've just got to let it go.
But somehow I'm not breathing proprely,
and it makes my hands tighten and hold onto the past.
I'm moving forward soon though.
At least I promise I will.

Tomorrow Never Comes

2009-07-08T18:55:00.004+09:00

Tomorrow Never Comes by Norma Cornett Marek

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,

I would tuck you in more tightly, and pray the Lord your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you walk out the door,

I would give you a hug and kiss, and call you back for just one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,

I would tape each word and action,　

and play them back throughout my days.

If I knew it would be the last time, I would spare an extra minute or two,

To stop and say “I love you,” instead of assuming you know I do.

So just in case tomorrow never comes, and today is all I get,

I'd like to say how much I love you, and I hope we never will forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,

And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day

That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss,

And you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today and whisper in their ear

That you love them very much, and you'll always hold them dear.

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"... "Please forgive me,"

... "thank you" or "it's okay".

And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

Twinkle Twinkle

2009-06-29T16:26:00.003+09:00

Harajuku Girl

2009-06-28T08:07:00.002+09:00

Tokyo is a great place. Super exciting. I definitely recommend people visiting the city if they come to Japan. You can find anything you can think of there!

I have to note, however, that Tokyo people are not as kind as the typical stereotyped image of the Japanese. They walk fast all the time, especially around rush hours, shoving you without any polite apology, which a normal Japanese should be ashamed of. Everyone is busy in this big city.

But still Tokyo is great. Just so much vibration is going on with no particular order; anything goes there. And finally I understood why so many foreigners (and celebrities) are fascinated by just the name of the city. Why not? No other cities are like this. Maybe NY, but this is one of a kind.

A Bee and God

2009-06-18T11:59:00.001+09:00

はちと神さま

はちはお花の中に

お花はお庭の中に

お庭は土べいの中に

土べいは町の中に

町は日本の中に

日本は世界の中に

世界は神さまの中に

そうして、そうして、神さまは、

小ちゃな　はちの中に

Going to Tokyoooo

2009-06-02T09:10:00.002+09:00

Hoo hoo! Heading to Tokyo!

Planning to stay there for a few days.

My sis lives there so no need to worry about where to stay:)

Ittekimaaaas!!

Choices

2009-05-31T14:48:00.004+09:00

It's sunny outside. FINALLY!! I woke up, hoping something would be different today. Not like yesterday, or the day before. I've been at home almost all the time, reading (the ridiculously melting words of Edward) and sleeping on my comfortable queen-sized bed. No work, no school. What a lazy life!

I know there aren't many things I can do about all the dull concerns in my mind for now, but the desperate feeling and guilt of doing nothing are just killing me. It's natural to sway between or among choices you have, but the point is, we are making decisions every minute, decisions that can never be made again. If I stay on my bed all day doing nothing, then that's my choice. In my limited life time, the choice will be always what it is.

If you haven't realized that you are the one who decides what to do and not to do, then that's something you really have to brood on.

Oh, and the picture...it has nothing to do with what I'm saying here.

For me, it seems like the rabbit is saying, "Itchy! Help! Itchy!"

Image

2009-05-30T10:27:00.001+09:00

Starry Night by Van Gogh?

Hmm...

2009-05-29T12:00:00.004+09:00

I haven't seen the movie yet but I'm reading the books now. This reminds me of Japanese comics A LOT. It's not about some specific comics, but the story line and the atmosphere...don't know how to put it into words, are lot like what I've known for many years.

Well, just what I'm sure is that the books are very easy to ready and to be absorbed in. Romance is always vital in girls' life! But I know that I'm a bit too old for this kind of stories...and actually, I'm already getting sick of reading the unrealistically perfect romance:P

Out to the World

2009-05-26T19:58:00.003+09:00

Thanks to the Dr.Bastard (the one who sent me home after a 5-minute-examination), the stomachache worsened. 4 hours after the last post I was in a different hospital, getting ready for a surgery. Everything went well except for the continuous pain in my stomach even after the surgery with a local anesthesia and 2 shots of pain killer, which turned out to be gastritis.

They said my intestines are longer than normal and so was the appendix! And I was officially (?)proved to be a true drinker by the doctors. Pain killers don't work on this kind of people...haha! After the super boring internet-free week, I got out of the hospital. Now I'm drinking with my friends again:) Well, nothing's better than being healthy!

Mocho!!!!

2009-05-14T14:03:00.005+09:00

A bit after my plan to visit my boyfriend in the States got turned down by my dad, another plan of mine...going to Tokyo for a week got canceled. Mocho means appendicitis in Japanese. Yes, the reason why I've been having this terrible pain in my stomach since last night was the tiny heritage in human body from ancient times...I canceled the bullet train ticked I had booked, and went to hospital. It was urgent, I couldn't stand it!! With my eyes filled with tears, I had to wait for 40 minutes in the waiting room. According to the old grandpa-like doc, no surgery is needed for now. I got 4 different kinds of medicine to take 3 times a day. Wow. Hopefully they'll work...

Dear My Poor Piglet

2009-05-13T21:12:00.003+09:00

I think I know what my parents are thinking...sending away their youngest daughter to the contaminated world full of swine flu virus is just out of the question. Even for a week! Sigh, I really need to go though...I know the guy I happen to love shouldn't be put before my people's health when the government is desperate to prevent more contagion from spreading. My mom says it is not a matter of money (I can get a cheaper flight now because people have canceled their plans to visit the States!), but I can't really afford the $2,000 ticket over the summer. And above anything else, I need to see and talk to him in person. I need to.

Not Yet

2009-05-12T21:22:00.001+09:00

Not yet giving up!

Dropping Out

2009-05-11T13:11:00.005+09:00

People are worried about me.

They sent me many considering messages.

I really love them.

They are the ones who give me the reason to stay here, to live.

But at the same time,

I know they are not the one who I really want a word from.

Just one word, one glance, one hug.

Am I asking too much,

or is this natural?

I can't keep doing this.

It's making me ill.

I'm not strong enough.

Sorry Aaron

How Can I

2009-05-11T07:23:00.007+09:00

How can I expect, ask, and love someone to make me happy?

How can I blame someone for me feeling sad?

Those thoughts break me down,

slowly into pieces.

Shutting Down

2009-05-10T10:27:00.005+09:00

I've started writing good things about every friend in my mixi (Japanese SNS site) diary. Things I've been thinking about the person but I've never really told him/her...Why did I start such a time-consuming work? Well, first, it was a mere way to wash up my mind which was, still is, drenched in dirty mud of life. I thought saying good things about my friends, WITHOUT any selfish intentions but out of sheer sincerity, would make me realize what great friends I have. Plus respect, love, and thankfulness, that's what I wanted to remind myself.

People, especially we shy Japanese people, normally don't speak highly of friends right before their faces. (Maybe we flatter, but it's not counted here.) I guess that's why there are so many people who don't really notice the true beauty in themselves. What a waste...so I wanted to tell all of my friends on mixi, everything I think about each of them.

But...as I was writing it, I realized that I was the one who was unconsciously CRAVING those praises most.

And my plan failed. So I need to wait, just wait till this emptiness and nothingness (which can be much worse than sadness) leave me alone.

I'm going to stay away from all things around me. Things...like my friends (including mixi & facebook), my thoughts and everything I can see and therefore judge. Just want to stay calm and totally neutral. I'm a little bit tired of waiting, doubting and calculating. If I could be in the state, then I would have no right to reproach myself for being so ignorant and self-centered.

Night

2009-05-10T00:03:00.006+09:00

My heart is not crying,
but my heart has started to ache.
It aches in nothingness,
nothingness at dawn.

The end of a day, long after dusk,
thick in the night,
I crawl into bed.

There, I shall be free,
free from the blame,
blame that I must bare.

Sorry for saying that I love you
despite the fact that I don't know what love really means.

It's aching.

My heart is aching.

Creed for Those who Have Suffered

2009-05-09T11:43:00.003+09:00

Creed for Those who Have Suffered

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve

I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey...

I asked God for health, that I might do greater things

I was given infirmity, that I might do better things...

I asked for riches, that I might be happy

I was given poverty, that I might be wise...

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men

I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God...

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life

I was given life, that I might enjoy all things...

I got nothing that I asked for

but everything I had hoped for

Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I am among all men, most richly blessed!

Solitude

2009-05-07T20:45:00.002+09:00

Although I understand that solitude is different from loneliness, "but" follows...now is a very uneasy time for me, not having anyone who can give me advice about which way I should look at.

Be independent. Let yourself believe what you want to believe. I know, I know, but this will be a very important decision to make, and I really need some eye-opening words. Maybe all I want is some comforting words which ensure I can be as I am.

The feeling of being recognized, accepted, needed is indispensable in my life. That's why I become really happy whenever people call my name. Just a name, but it tells me that I'm not just "that girl" or "his girlfriend" for the person.

And now I've just realized...I desperately need someone who can call my name and tell me that I'm not a mere tiny dust in this big world.