Shutting Down

I've started writing good things about every friend in my mixi (Japanese SNS site) diary. Things I've been thinking about the person but I've never really told him/her...Why did I start such a time-consuming work? Well, first, it was a mere way to wash up my mind which was, still is, drenched in dirty mud of life. I thought saying good things about my friends, WITHOUT any selfish intentions but out of sheer sincerity, would make me realize what great friends I have. Plus respect, love, and thankfulness, that's what I wanted to remind myself.

People, especially we shy Japanese people, normally don't speak highly of friends right before their faces. (Maybe we flatter, but it's not counted here.) I guess that's why there are so many people who don't really notice the true beauty in themselves. What a waste...so I wanted to tell all of my friends on mixi, everything I think about each of them.

But...as I was writing it, I realized that I was the one who was unconsciously CRAVING those praises most.

And my plan failed. So I need to wait, just wait till this emptiness and nothingness (which can be much worse than sadness) leave me alone.

I'm going to stay away from all things around me. Things...like my friends (including mixi & facebook), my thoughts and everything I can see and therefore judge. Just want to stay calm and totally neutral. I'm a little bit tired of waiting, doubting and calculating. If I could be in the state, then I would have no right to reproach myself for being so ignorant and self-centered.