Choices

It's sunny outside. FINALLY!! I woke up, hoping something would be different today. Not like yesterday, or the day before. I've been at home almost all the time, reading (the ridiculously melting words of Edward) and sleeping on my comfortable queen-sized bed. No work, no school. What a lazy life!

I know there aren't many things I can do about all the dull concerns in my mind for now, but the desperate feeling and guilt of doing nothing are just killing me. It's natural to sway between or among choices you have, but the point is, we are making decisions every minute, decisions that can never be made again. If I stay on my bed all day doing nothing, then that's my choice. In my limited life time, the choice will be always what it is.

If you haven't realized that you are the one who decides what to do and not to do, then that's something you really have to brood on.

Oh, and the picture...it has nothing to do with what I'm saying here.

For me, it seems like the rabbit is saying, "Itchy! Help! Itchy!"

Image

Starry Night by Van Gogh?

Hmm...

I haven't seen the movie yet but I'm reading the books now. This reminds me of Japanese comics A LOT. It's not about some specific comics, but the story line and the atmosphere...don't know how to put it into words, are lot like what I've known for many years.

Well, just what I'm sure is that the books are very easy to ready and to be absorbed in. Romance is always vital in girls' life! But I know that I'm a bit too old for this kind of stories...and actually, I'm already getting sick of reading the unrealistically perfect romance:P

Out to the World

Thanks to the Dr.Bastard (the one who sent me home after a 5-minute-examination), the stomachache worsened. 4 hours after the last post I was in a different hospital, getting ready for a surgery. Everything went well except for the continuous pain in my stomach even after the surgery with a local anesthesia and 2 shots of pain killer, which turned out to be gastritis.

They said my intestines are longer than normal and so was the appendix! And I was officially (?)proved to be a true drinker by the doctors. Pain killers don't work on this kind of people...haha! After the super boring internet-free week, I got out of the hospital. Now I'm drinking with my friends again:) Well, nothing's better than being healthy!

Mocho!!!!

A bit after my plan to visit my boyfriend in the States got turned down by my dad, another plan of mine...going to Tokyo for a week got canceled. Mocho means appendicitis in Japanese. Yes, the reason why I've been having this terrible pain in my stomach since last night was the tiny heritage in human body from ancient times...I canceled the bullet train ticked I had booked, and went to hospital. It was urgent, I couldn't stand it!! With my eyes filled with tears, I had to wait for 40 minutes in the waiting room. According to the old grandpa-like doc, no surgery is needed for now. I got 4 different kinds of medicine to take 3 times a day. Wow. Hopefully they'll work...

Dear My Poor Piglet

I think I know what my parents are thinking...sending away their youngest daughter to the contaminated world full of swine flu virus is just out of the question. Even for a week! Sigh, I really need to go though...I know the guy I happen to love shouldn't be put before my people's health when the government is desperate to prevent more contagion from spreading. My mom says it is not a matter of money (I can get a cheaper flight now because people have canceled their plans to visit the States!), but I can't really afford the $2,000 ticket over the summer. And above anything else, I need to see and talk to him in person. I need to.

Not Yet

Not yet giving up!

Dropping Out

People are worried about me.

They sent me many considering messages.

I really love them.

They are the ones who give me the reason to stay here, to live.

But at the same time,

I know they are not the one who I really want a word from.

Just one word, one glance, one hug.

Am I asking too much,

or is this natural?

I can't keep doing this.

It's making me ill.

I'm not strong enough.

Sorry Aaron

How Can I

How can I expect, ask, and love someone to make me happy?

How can I blame someone for me feeling sad?

Those thoughts break me down,

slowly into pieces.

Shutting Down

I've started writing good things about every friend in my mixi (Japanese SNS site) diary. Things I've been thinking about the person but I've never really told him/her...Why did I start such a time-consuming work? Well, first, it was a mere way to wash up my mind which was, still is, drenched in dirty mud of life. I thought saying good things about my friends, WITHOUT any selfish intentions but out of sheer sincerity, would make me realize what great friends I have. Plus respect, love, and thankfulness, that's what I wanted to remind myself.

People, especially we shy Japanese people, normally don't speak highly of friends right before their faces. (Maybe we flatter, but it's not counted here.) I guess that's why there are so many people who don't really notice the true beauty in themselves. What a waste...so I wanted to tell all of my friends on mixi, everything I think about each of them.

But...as I was writing it, I realized that I was the one who was unconsciously CRAVING those praises most.

And my plan failed. So I need to wait, just wait till this emptiness and nothingness (which can be much worse than sadness) leave me alone.

I'm going to stay away from all things around me. Things...like my friends (including mixi & facebook), my thoughts and everything I can see and therefore judge. Just want to stay calm and totally neutral. I'm a little bit tired of waiting, doubting and calculating. If I could be in the state, then I would have no right to reproach myself for being so ignorant and self-centered.

Night

My heart is not crying,
but my heart has started to ache.
It aches in nothingness,
nothingness at dawn.

The end of a day, long after dusk,
thick in the night,
I crawl into bed.

There, I shall be free,
free from the blame,
blame that I must bare.

Sorry for saying that I love you
despite the fact that I don't know what love really means.

It's aching.

My heart is aching.

Creed for Those who Have Suffered

Creed for Those who Have Suffered

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve

I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey...

I asked God for health, that I might do greater things

I was given infirmity, that I might do better things...

I asked for riches, that I might be happy

I was given poverty, that I might be wise...

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men

I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God...

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life

I was given life, that I might enjoy all things...

I got nothing that I asked for

but everything I had hoped for

Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I am among all men, most richly blessed!

Solitude

Although I understand that solitude is different from loneliness, "but" follows...now is a very uneasy time for me, not having anyone who can give me advice about which way I should look at.

Be independent. Let yourself believe what you want to believe. I know, I know, but this will be a very important decision to make, and I really need some eye-opening words. Maybe all I want is some comforting words which ensure I can be as I am.

The feeling of being recognized, accepted, needed is indispensable in my life. That's why I become really happy whenever people call my name. Just a name, but it tells me that I'm not just "that girl" or "his girlfriend" for the person.

And now I've just realized...I desperately need someone who can call my name and tell me that I'm not a mere tiny dust in this big world.

Happy Belated Birthday

It's been more than a year since we first met in the freaking cold state of Wisconsin, USA. Since then we've shared everything: happiness and sadness and now and then.

Don't worry, I'm totally aware that I'm the one who complains and whines all the time! But remember, you are the one who doesn't get what girls want all the time!:P

I hope our future plans will come true, which we used to dream of in the KT basement till 3 am. Reality will be harsh before those fancies, but as long as we stay together with faith in each other...I believe we will find a way, our own way, to work things out.

All I can do here for you, being away from you, well, like 14,727 km away from you (thanks Google Earth), would be just to pray. So I'm praying everyday for you Abhi-tan.

I'm wishing you all the best best best on earth. And looking forward to laughing with you again, like us in the photo. Happy Belated Birthday:)