Tell Me How To Live

This is what my friend wrote on mixi.


最近､希死念慮が強い｡
Nowadays, I often think of killing myself.

よくなるためにお薬をもらっているのに､どんどん悪くなっている｡
I've been taking medications, but it's getting worse and worse.


この病気で亡くなる人は多い｡
Many people die from this disease.
むろん､自殺にて｡
Of course, by suicide.

誰かが言っていた｡
I remember somebody said,
癌で亡くなるのと同じだ､仕方のないことだ､と｡
"It's like cancer, you can't help it."

わたしもそう思う｡
I think so, too.
仕方ないんだと思う｡
I think it cannot be helped.

癌で死んでしまうのといっしょ｡
This is like dying of cancer.
この病気で自殺するのは仕方がないこと｡
It's only natural that the patients kill themselves.




反論は多いと思うが､
Many would say no,
結局､
but whatever they say,
なってみないと分からない
they'll never know what it is like


癌の辛さも脳梗塞の辛さも肺炎の辛さも心筋梗塞の辛さも...
the pain of cancer,
the pain of cerebral infraction,
the pain of pneumonia,
the pain of cardiac infraction...

でも､
But
心の中のことはもっと分からない
to know things inside people's minds is much worse
目に見えないから｡
because it is invisible.

面倒くさいなぁと思う｡
It's so bothersome.
いちいち説明するのが｡
It's bothersome that I have to put everything into words.

喋るのがしんどいのに
It's hard for me to talk
｢どうしたの？｣
but they ask me, "What's wrong?"
と聞かれても､説明できない
How can I explain what is wrong about me?


｢気持ち､分かるよ｣
"I understand how you feel."
と言われても
When people say that,
｢分かってたまるか｣
I only think,
と思う｡
"No, don't even think like you can."

なんで人間は
Why did humans
言葉という面倒な手段をとるようになってしまったのか
choose this means of communication using words?


わたしの心の中のこと
I wonder how much easier and better it would be
全部見えてみんなが全部分かってくれたら､どんなに楽だろう
if every invisible things became visible so that you all came to understand me?


｢お薬飲んでね｣
"Be sure to take your medicine, dear."
｢ご飯食べてね｣
"You've got to eat well, honey."


分かってる!
I KNOW!
でも､じゃあどうしたらお薬が飲めるのか､ご飯が食べられるのか教えて!
But, then, tell me how to take medicine, tell me how to eat!

｢ゆっくりしてね｣
"Take your time and just relax."
｢今は休んでね｣
"Take a good rest."

休み方を教えて!
Tell me how to rest!
死が付きまとってくるわたしに
Please...tell me how to do all those things
どうか休み方を教えて...
tell me, who has been haunted by death...






Somehow I have a few friends who have a depression. This is a serious disease, I know, they can't do anything by themselves. All they are capable is to think about ending their lives.

When I read this note written by one of my friends (we've known each other since elementary school), I simply didn't know what to say to her. And I still don't know what to tell her.